Beauty.

Once again, I should be writing my English paper--and yet I am inspired to write about nothingness.

All inhibitions aside, today was a truly magnificent day. Not because of anything that happened or the way my life is going currently, it was just beautiful. If you didn't look out the window or spend time out of doors: you missed out. The day was flawless outside. My life has been so confusing lately, like I said in my earlier post. I feel like all that is in me is wanting to escape; from work, school and people. Completely discontent with the way things are going, I have something similar to a 7-year itch (slightly premature). Yet today after a short nap and a good cup of coffee(compliments of my brother), I decided to go outside and take advantage of what was left of the beauty of the day. I was surprised to find that it was almost fully intact, the way the sky was turning made the leaves and the air look and feel clean/fresh. It was kind of windy, which made riding my bike all the more enjoyable. I went with my Dad (Turry--to all my friends), who I have lately been quite on edge with. I guess with all my mishaps(s), as of late, things have been a bit tense between us. However today was great, we had a long overdue conversation ranging from car buying to bible college(It was a long ride). After telling him how much I feel like my life is monotonous and how jealous I am of friends who have "gotten away" from it all, he reminded me of the beauty that is all around me. It was hard to argue when the day had been truly lovely, and we were out in the perfection of God's creation. I am blessed to be where I am, and I love the fact that I take after my dad. Since I can remember, he has never failed to point out the snow on the mountains or the way the sun was setting, and say "Thank you Lord, for the beautiful day". I feel like I have always felt closest to God when I am surrounded by the wonder of his creation. A long time ago, I heard in a message something that really struck me as profound. The guy teaching brought out that God didn't have to make things beautiful, or pleasant to us. Food didn't have to taste good, his creation didn't have to be lovely...but he did. Personally, I think God made things beautiful to remind us of what we will have one day in Heaven.

Thank you Lord for the beauty you so graciously placed in your handiwork.








Psalm 19:1-3
" The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. ^[a]"

Well Aware

I have recently become quite aware of just how awkward I am...

and I have been spilling more than usual. I don't know what is going on.


Awkward handshakes, Talking too fast on the phone(making it really awkward for the other person), Hugs that just weren't meant to be, Saying stupid things, Working too little, Crying too much, Not working out enough,Procrastinating , Never paying attention to my surroundings(resulting in car accidents and exaggerated clumsiness) ....

Life has been weird as of late. Or at least I HAVE been weird as of late.



Side Note:

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path."

I used to constantly recite this scripture when I was afraid, or unclear about the direction of my life. I think it is a verse worthy of re-visiting, and this is certainly a good time to do so .

Realization.

This week has been by far one of the hardest of my life. It is so sad to me that in this last week alone, I have seen more friends than I have in months(possibly years). So many people that I just got too busy to call, or visit. I feel like that is what happened with Josh, I just became so busy that he was just another person I neglected to stay in touch with. Looking at pictures of him with his long, curly hair ( Linda said he was growing it out to donate), and the hat that he (apparently) wore all the time; brought on feelings of realization. I never saw him with long hair, I don't remember the hat that he never took off and I did not know that he was in so much pain. All these things I would have observed, if I had only taken the time to remember my friend.

I knew Josh all the way through high school, we went to the same church and when I joined SCA we went to the same school. My earliest memories of Josh consist of him playing the sportscaster in our news team and him slurring over "Lebron James" in his sports-segment. During our practices he would say his lines really fast and somehow it always sounded like he was mumbling at a rapid speed(which is usually impossible). It was constantly "Josh E-N-U-N-C-I-A-T-E!" Mrs. Nogy and his Mom were always on him. Yet, he just kept plowing through the lines at the same rapid pace. Trying to juggle difficult sentences and ridiculous cliches, while making an effort to enunciate enough to appease them. Those were some of the most entertaining nights of my life. Trying to get our mess of a group to be uniform, and struggling to put together a convincing version of a newscast. We managed to pull it off three times, and finally take a win the third year of competition.

When Josh's Dad, Ed, was really sick in his senior year, Rebbecca thought it would be a good idea for Josh and I to do a Duo-Interp (An interpretation of literature: performed by two people) that she had hand-selected for us. With all the pain of slowly losing his Dad, she thought it would be a good distraction for Josh. For me it was like pulling teeth, I hated(still hate) public speaking and yet I was swindled into doing competitive speech for three years in a row. When I was whining and complaining(sometimes crying) with discouragement, Josh never gave up. At his memorial service I heard so many stories of how strong and determined Josh was, I can attest to it. His Dad was really sick when the competition time came around, and yet not for a minute did he hesitate to perform. In fact, I remember performing our duo for Ed in their living room during one of our many practices. No, we didn't win a trophy that competition...we didn't even place. But, I have so many memories of late nights at my house with my Mom and Rebbecca breathing down our necks. The same story, "Josh, slow down and enunciate!" and "Josh, act like you love her!" and he did the very best he could...all the way through to the end. I also remember Josh at the Kauai garage sale, and on the trip. I just recall this one night, mid-mission trip when I had gotten word that Josh had told AJ to go ahead and "go for me". I was fuming and decided to set him straight. It is funny looking back, how things like that seem so insignificant now. I think that is one thing I have truly begun to realize since I found out that Josh passed away: how short life is and how meaningless it is to place life's busy-work(school/work) before human relationships, before people who need a friend. So many are hurting and in need of a shoulder, an ear, an "I love you". I think that "life" gets in the way of what really matters: the people who are in it.

Give Me Time

I was telling Stefanie tonight in the car that I feel like I have so much to say about Josh, so many memories and happy times. So many things to say about how I will always remember Josh Kaplan ;the brave friend that I was blessed to have in my life. Yet, no words or sentence I could string together would do his life or my feelings justice.
So I will wait, and hope that after some time I will be able to express how I feel and how much I cared for and will miss Him.

Please keep praying for the Kaplans. It is now just the three of them(Linda, Jeremy and Christina), please remind them that they are not alone by visiting and being with their family through this difficult time. Show them the savior's comforting hand through your love and support.

/

I hate that when it feels like things are finally getting back in order, they fall apart again. I think today tops the charts on my list of bad days. I don't know why, but it was really bad. Then to top it all off, I find out that the damage that I caused to my neighbors car(When I backed into it) is going to cost $800 to repair. Great, because the $300 that I owe my parents for car stuff, and the $180 that I just had to pay to get my keys out of my car(only to find out after the fact; that they had slipped through a hole in the seam, and were in the bottom of my purse) wasn't enough. Oh, ya luckily I'm getting my tax returns back..but that money has to go to my parents and toward my new found debt. Yep feeling good.

Then to come home and have to hear about all of the above, really tops off the day.

Ethics

Oddly enough, I am convinced, that my English class this semester has been turned into an ethics class(thanks to my professor). I thought I was taking a required freshmen English class where I expected to write a few papers and dabble in the writings of Shakespeare, Jane Austen, or Hemingway. The standard focus texts in most English classes, right? instead I'm learning about plagiarism, internet hacking, and other unethical behavior. I am not complaining at all. However, I was not looking forward to re-arranging my schedule and "wasting" an extra quarter tank driving up to Fullerton and back on Monday nights. For an English class, I love English,but somehow this just did not seem to be worth all the effort. After three hour class #1, I seriously considered dropping it. If it wasn't for the stupid "good student" insurance deal that I have going on, which requires me to go to school full time, I just may have.


I am so thankful for all the reasons that kept me coming back on Monday nights. I have learned so much, and really love the class. Like I said, my pseudo-English class has turned into a class where we are taught the value of ethics. I love it. The biggest eye opener for me, occurred while writing an in class essay on the long term effects of plagiarism on students, the business world and American culture(The makings of a great thesis). It became clear to me that the ethics and practices we develop during our years as students or young adults, carry over into our professional lives as we advance. It is so easy to cheat in high school and college, especially with all the pressures that surround student life. Students often view plagiarism as the only way to meet the high demands put on them by professors and academic programs. In my opinion, the way one behaves under pressure is a good indicator of his/her morals and ethics. It is easy to explain away plagiarism or other mild forms of cheating in school with excuses like "I was going to fail, if I didn't cheat". However, these excuses are less believable coming from the architect who fudged the numbers when building your home, or the doctor who fabricated lab results while conducting a test on a new medication(Ethics in the 21st Century: Trent). The consequences may seem minimal for cutting corners in school--but when those ethics(or lack there of) are used in the professional world the consequences are greater. Due to that architect's unethical decision, your home may not be structurally sound. The people who receive that medication, where the doctor made up results, could be seriously harmed. Our actions lead to consequences, the ethics we develop now when the decisions are smaller and pressures less ominous, will inevitably follow us through out our lives. Guiding and determining the decisions we will make in the future.

All that to say, make ethical decisions now. Develop ethics that are honorable and will guide you towards the right choices in the future.

A Revelation

I tend to get annoyed watching my inbox fill up with emails from thedailybibleverse (This sounds bad, I know), but sometimes they are the most random verses. Especially around the holidays (when the verses take on a "holiday" theme). However, sometimes they are amazing verses and I read them and know that God is speaking to me through his word. And I didn't even open the bible: thanks to modern conveniences, i suppose. Anyway, these are just a few that really struck me, and reminded me of the deep love and majesty of my savior.

Oh, the depth of his riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out! "For who can know the mind of the Lord? Or who has become His counselor?" "Or who has first given to Him And it shall be repaid to him?" For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.
-Romans 11:33-36

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-Nehemiah 9:6

*The God who did all this and is worthy of the praises of these verses, reaches out to his people: His creation. And at the end of Revelation and all the judgments, and impending earthly destruction in this book, he offers grace. He offers a life line, a way of escape from all of it. He says "come!" He never leaves us to ourselves, or to destruction--even the person furthest away from God can turn from self and worldly destruction. If they would only hear the saviors voice, the bright and morning star calling out their name and saying "come!".It is the cry of a God who created man for the sole purpose of having fellowship and a relationship with Him. His creation turned their back on him, but he longs to have them near. So much so, that He says he sent an angel to testify in his church, and says for the lost to come and take the water of life freely. He sent his only son to die, so he can have that same relationship, that we threw away. The mighty God, who created all, who knows and sees all:loves all. Loves me.

16 "I Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star."
17 And the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say "Come!" And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.
Revelation 22:16-17

Thank you Lord.